Trepidation about which path to take
These last few weeks have been some of the weirdest. I've been fluctuating between experiencing pure joy of the present moment and trepidation (defined as "a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen") about what I should be doing next. I've been traveling to some of the most beautiful places along Korea's coast and enjoying looking at the ocean, smelling and breathing in the sea breeze, and feeling free-er than usual. And punctured in between have been moments where I've been feeling a lot of trepidation about the future, as the original "deadline" I set for my mini retirement at the end of June is quickly approaching. While I have come to terms with the fact that July 1 is no longer the target start date of something new, I have been overwhelmed with the question of what to do next.
The more I think about it, returning to a 9-5 job feels like it is out of the question. After experiencing the last nine months, the thought of going back to a life where someone else controls my time and freedom everyday makes me nauseous. The idea of going back to work to spend my waking hours focused on some useless project under a bad boss really doesn't seem plausible. Spending all day with a mask on to conform to company culture and play politics seems like a poor use of life energy. I knew that transitioning back to work would be hard but now that I'm closer to this period more than ever, it feels unbearable. I'm finally at the point where I'm thinking about other options because going back doesn't feel like a viable one. The question is what am I willing to give up? Nothing comes easy or free so I'll have to consider the trade-offs and be willing to live with those consequences.
Amidst all of this, I had a really lovely conversation with my sister this morning. She was telling me about how she and my dad were discussing that it's okay if we go for money rather than a "respected" career. Many of my dad's friends are entrepreneurs (across real estate, selling fish, running a souvenir shop, and so on) and they are significantly wealthier than my dad who pursued a corporate career. Despite having made it to the top as a partner, especially now that he is retired, he sees how much more money his friends have. Of course my dad has other benefits like his pension and company-sponsored healthcare plan that his friends don't have but it doesn't offset the significant difference in earnings. My mom, on the other hand, likes the security that a corporate job provides.
I think I've always had this weird relationship with money (and as it relates to career) where I felt like I couldn't admit to myself what really matters. It felt like my choices were to (1) make a high salary at a "good" job; or (2) make little money at a "high impact" job. I wanted to have a high impact job but didn't feel like I could swallow the low salary. As I was thinking about those two options, it didn't feel like there were other alternatives. Now, I'm thinking there are more options like (3) mid-range salary at a part time role that frees up time to focus on other stuff; or (4) low-range salary in the short-term that can potentially be very lucrative in the future. Growing up in a family where a corporate career was the epitome of having "made it," coupled with a sense that it still didn't bring in as much money as desired has left me desiring both, but for all the wrong reasons.
I think I've been so scared of failing that I haven't fully embraced taking on the risk of a more uncertain venture like starting a business full-time or actually go all-in on a lifestyle I'd actually enjoy a lot more. Coming from a highly educated background adds additional pressure that I need to be pursuing a certain type of career, making a certain amount of money, and being "successful." Taking this time away from work is a huge first step in going against the expectations of what I'm supposed to do and is creating space to keep taking risks. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll be doing just quite yet but I am choosing to remain optimistic.