When we’re not working on our goals because our goals aren’t working for us
*TRIGGER WARNING* - note this post discusses eating disorders and weight loss.
In my last reflection, I discussed the disappointment and guilt that resulted from not achieving certain outcomes-based goals I had set for myself. The three main ones, which have existed in some shape or form over the last three years are:
Lose weight
Find my life partner
Buy a house
When we don’t achieve our goals, we tend to think it’s because we lack self-discipline, motivation, the right structure, or good habits to turn our goals into action. But what if this is the wrong conclusion? Either something must be wrong with us… or something must be wrong with our goals. Especially as someone who knows the value of hard work, discipline, and building good habits, perhaps my lack of achievement was evidence that I didn’t really want to achieve these goals—either because I wasn’t ready to or I was trying to solve a problem by applying an irrelevant solution. Our actions speak a lot more clearly than our words. So even though we can say we want something, we have to actually look at what we’re actually doing to understand the full picture.
Take dating for example. As much as I have been complaining about the poor quality of men available in the dating pool (which is still very much true), this was possibly less of an issue than the fact that I didn’t really want a relationship. Because that would require the intimacy of getting to know someone, which requires emotional bandwidth, and also sharing who I am, which requires vulnerability. Given that I’ve rebuilt everything about my life and who I am in the last three years, it makes complete sense that I did not want to share who I am until I figured it out. I’m sure the men I went on dates with could sense that I was in no place to settle down or entertain a serious relationship. I think when we really want something, we do everything in our power to make it happen. We put up with all the bad in the hopes of getting to experience the good parts. We’re willing to sacrifice our time and resources because it’s that important to us. The fact that I’ve been on maybe four or five dates in the last three years speaks for itself. I clearly didn’t prioritize dating and actually finding my person, because I was clearly not in the right physical and mental state to do so with all the traveling and mental gymnastics of rebuilding my life.
On the surface, the house purchase goal seems similar, because I did not really want to purchase a home but felt like I should. This one is a little more nuanced. It’s hard to make a huge financial decision that will affect the next 5-10+ years when you have no idea what’s happening in the next 6-12 months. I did not want to be a homeowner stuck with a monthly mortgage, maintenance, etc. while I was traveling. But even more so, I think the house goal was motivated by “should” than “want” with me trying to prove to others that even without a man and a salaried job that I could afford to buy a house. “Look at how well I’m doing over here as a single, independent woman buying a house.” What an absolutely terrible reason to purchase a home or make any other decision. What I was looking for was assurance that I was living a good and enviable life, one where I am doing well financially and emotionally. Instead of turning inwards to assess that for myself, I somehow thought that buying a house would be the solution. This is a clear case of trying to apply a nonsensical solution to a completely unrelated problem I didn’t even realize I was trying to solve. It’s like trying to hammer a square peg into a round screw hole. It’s not going to fit because you’re using the wrong tool.
Separately, on the house goal: my long-term dream has always been to live in a big, beautiful house with my parents. I always imagined living in a house with multiple wings, where I live on one side and my parents on another. The other day, I realized that I already live that dream of living in a big, beautiful house with my parents. It’s not a house I bought with my own money or designed to my taste, but in the grand scheme of things, the most important part of getting to enjoy day-to-day life with my mom and dad is already my reality. That thought really blew my mind. Here I was imagining some future version of the present moment I am already living in without even realizing this is my present reality. This is the destructive power of greed and the hedonic treadmill. It blinds us to the dreams we’re already experiencing because we’re so focused on the next one.
The one that has been the hardest to tease out is the weight loss goal. I have been trying to lose weight (regardless of what my actual weight was) since I was a child. Even at my thinnest, I was dissatisfied with my body. I recently saw a video about the set point weight theory, which essentially says our body has a weight range that it is most comfortable in—largely driven by our genetics—making it hard to stay outside of this weight range. This concept is not new to me but it did put weight loss in a different light. The video likened being under our comfortable range as being possible but living like Natalie Portman in the Black Swan. The creator made the argument that if you’re healthy and your blood work looks good, it’s not really worth trying to lose weight below this range because you can do it, but it will be miserable. He argues that a good physique isn’t enough to feel miserable (remember, in the movie, Natalie Portman’s character commits suicide after going crazy).
I know so very well what this feeling is like. My set point weight in college was around 125-130 pounds after I had a major weight loss going from 155 pounds, down to 115 and then bouncing back up to the 120-125 range. There was a point I got to 110-115 pounds and it was only because I spent most of my free time binging and purging up to 5-10 times a day or exercising. My entire attention span was around food, weight, and controlling both while feeling incredibly out of control. I was probably in one of the worst mental health states of my life. I was sick.
My set point weight right now is probably around 130-135 pounds. After the initial weight loss from 155 pounds to 135 pounds in the six months of getting laid off, I have been consistently in the current 130-135 range. No matter how much I eat or exercise, I always seem to come back to this range. The thing is that I have been exercising consistently for the last three years. My routine and the intensity changes depending on the season, but I make sure to move my body and incorporate healthy habits around exercise. So as much as I have desired to lose weight, in part, because I think it will make more attractive and feel more confident while dating, I have already accomplished one of the sub-goals of building a consistent exercise routine.
As much as I want to be more attractive in the hopes of meeting someone, on the flip side, I also want to meet someone who accepts me and is attracted to me in my current body because this is the body I am actually in and am comfortable in. I am not holding the excess weight that I used to have and realistically the max I could lose without turning into a crazy person is probably ten pounds. I don’t think those ten pounds should be the reason why someone would or would not date me. All to say, the weight loss goal is more complicated than I thought because it brings up emotions and patterns I’ve been dealing with for 15+ years. And the cherry on top of it all is that when I did the full body health exam in Korea, I found out that even though my weight had gone down, my body fat percentage had gone up while my muscle mass had gone down. I was literally tracking the wrong goal!
As I look toward 2026, I likely will be completely removing or re-working these goals entirely. There are elements from each goal that I still care about, but I want to pursue them more intentionally. Rather than finding my person, maybe it’s about finding more connection. Instead of buying a house, maybe it’s about building more stable roots. Maybe it’s not about losing weight, but improving my health marginally. Goals deserve careful thought, because each one shapes how we spend our time and energy. When we set the wrong goals, it’s not just failure we risk, but wasting time on things that don’t actually improve our lives. I haven’t set any goals for the new year yet, but if I do, I’m going to be a lot more thoughtful this time around.